me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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