u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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