I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the day after is always just damage control
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
