Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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