I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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