I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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