I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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