just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
