Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
