I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
