At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
