you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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