Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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