Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
