So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
