I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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