She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
