remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
