I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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