Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
