Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
