Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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