i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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