I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
