My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.