so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)