he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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