So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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