Dual....:-)
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
