Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
