We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
