Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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