That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.