I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize