I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
