i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
