I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
