I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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