Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
