rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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