He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
