My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
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