Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
