last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
