Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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