i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
