I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
