Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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