Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
