What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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