I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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