remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
