I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
