She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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