I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
