Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
