new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
