He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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